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Jokes:
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,
deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one
day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab,
and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his
will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself
into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking
place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess
refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped
their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly,
painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he
was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster
in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............
"Fuck, I'm pissed."
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a fucking people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet !!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self control.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY FOR THE
OFFICE
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager, who flies in,
makes a lot
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an
entire day
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of
whacking the
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious
standing or a
BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and
weightlifting
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS:
People who always seem to have their
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired
generation's answer
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or
drops something
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they
have
Stands for: Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a
satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first
marriage that
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive
on being
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally
stressed
G.O.O.D. Job A
" Get-Out-Of_Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off
their debts, one that
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ÓNew Find Minerals, 2003